Advance Wars Christmas Bash
by Gillikin
Summary: A Christmas Party held by Olaf involving sundry and varied AW characters; follow the exploits of Jake as he fails impress any girl ever.


Olaf's Christmas Bash -- An Unfortunate Evening for Jake:

A Painstakingly Written and Conceived Fan-Fiction by Gillikin

It was Olaf's Christmas bash, and every CO was there, except for the ones from Black Hole, because Olaf wasn't very fond of them. Not that Olaf's Christmas bash was something anybody wanted to be at anyway, so they were probably better off not invited. No amount of eggnog could ever make this Christmas bash enjoyable.

Jake was in the middle of the room with a Santa hat on, wandering around, trying to pick up hot babes. "Hey, Jess, let's have makeouts, bra," he said.

She slapped him across the face.

He moved on to the next one, "Hey, Sonja, what's up? I'll make you a mixtape, we can make out to it."

Sonja punched him in the gut.

From across the room, someone was watching the interactions between Sonja and Jake it was her most secret of admirers, Grimm. He could only watch and never dare to ask her out himself she was his princess, and therefore far beyond his lowly station in life.

"Hey, Sasha," said Jake, "it's probably pretty cold in Blue Moon, let me be your hot fiery passionate Orange Star lover, and we'll bust-a-move all night long, do you know what I'm sayin'?"

"Go away, I'm already talking with Max," she said. She also threw her eggnog in Jake's face.

"Wanna watch me flex some more?" asked Max.

"Yes, you're truly a man, unlike your friend Jake who is only annoying and covered in eggnog."

Max flexed his biceps. A pair of socks fell out.

"My socks!" cried Kanbei, "after all these years! I've finally found them! Max my boy, I will knight you and give you a million dollars. No, ten million dollars"

"Oh Max," said Sasha, "now that you're a millionaire I want to have wild, passionate sex with you and also I will wear a purple dress for you with a pillbox hat."

Max wept beautiful, muscular tears of joy.

"Hey, bra" said Jake to Sami.

"SHUT UP ABOUT MY ATTIRE YOU PERV," said Sami, punching Jake because she was overly sensitive about her sports bra that she had worn to the Christmas bash, not knowing that to show belly in Blue Moon during Christmas was a serious faux pas.

"EVERYONE HAVE FUN" demanded Olaf. "EVERYONE. HAVE. FUN."

It really made it super cheery to be ordered to have fun by Olaf.

"Hey Nell," said Jake. "What's up, boss-lady? You want to get funky?"

Nell punched Jake into a Christmas tree.

Suddenly the door swung open and it was some people from Black Hole! Oh no! They were here to crash the party!

"We are here to crash the party" said Kindle.

Everyone at the party ran up to Kindle and punched her in the face. Kindle flew out of the door and into the night as she disappeared she could be heard to say, "I hate you all, but most of all I hate Jaaaaaaaake!"

"Hey baby," said Jake to Lash, "what's up with the you? You into me as much as I'm into you?"

There was a sudden explosion and Jake was thrown across the room and, mysteriously, into Adder.

"Hello," said Adder. "Aren't you going to ask me out, too?"

"Bra, you're a dude, bra," said Jake.

"No," said Adder, "Secretly I have been a woman this entire time."

"Possum spit," said Grit.

"Oh uh," started Jake, and finding himself utterly unable to ask.

"I hate you," she said, weeping and running out of the Christmas bash.

"Look!" cried Rachel, "It's Andy with a herd of penguins!"

At that moment, Andy came in, followed by several penguins. The 'herd' comment by Rachel was, at best, highly overstated.

"Hello all and merry Christmas!" said Andy. "I have brought the traditional Christmas penguins."

"Now it is truly a Blue Moon Christmas," said Olaf, with beautiful tears in his eyes and also his beard. "EVERYONE HAVE MORE FUN. GRIT, YOU LAZY BASTARD, HAVE MORE FUN."

"Well shuck my corn," said Grit. "I'm more excited 'n a box of kittens in a yarn fact'ry on free catnip day." This was totally believable. And folksy.

"Hey Rachel, let's get it on like Donkey Kong," said Jake, at this point not even having any idea of what in the world was coming out of his mouth. It was probably all of the eggnog. And punches.

Rachel threw a penguin at Jake's head. "Go away I hate you forever," she cried. "I am forever in love with Andy."

At that point Rachel made out with Andy it was pretty hot, but also sort of creepy because of all of the penguins still around Andy. Andy flashed Jake a thumbs up.

"No girl will make out with me," said Jake to Colin.

"I'm sorry sir, I don't care for you in that way either," said Colin.

"This was the worst Christmas ever," said Jake as he wept into his CD player.

THE END.


End file.
